I want the names of all the people in the world who thought it was an accurate statement to call the main bridesmaid in your wedding the made of Honor.
Honor.
Honor.
Seriously? Do you know how expensive it is to plan a bachelorette party? Not to mention, one where your dealing with alcoholics or underagers where you can't just give them a bottle and call it good. If you would have told me after my last experience as a bridesmaid that I'd be doing it again less than a year later, I would have asked you where you left the bowl you were smoking and why you choose to waste your high bothering me. What an honor. Let me tell you.
"Congratulations bestie! You have spent years dealing with my shit, and now you get to pay for it too!"
This is not an honor. Having to deal with your friends shitty friends and their shitty opinions about how shitty your ideas were for the party, but wait! what? Help? Oh no, we just offer our unsolicited opinions with no regard to you, but we definatly don't help. Money? what? you need money? Oh I'm conviently broke even though I just bought 50 dollars worth of liquor when we went out last. Shoot. Sorry about that.
I was told today that it says something about my character that I'm being asked to be in all my friends weddings. Maybe I should become an asshole so I don't ever have to do this again.
I hate weddings. You seriously couldn't pay me to do this to someone. Or myself.
The made of honor position should be reserved for your worst enemy. That girl who tormented you in high school. That woman who slept with the guy your about to marry. Because seriously. This is torture. They put you in these horrible dresses, that are either too tight, so short that you might as well hang a welcome sign to your nether regends, hideous pea soup green or a glorified potato sack. This time, its a dress thats so sheer I literally can't find a bra to wear under it. But I can't go bra less because then you see my nipples. Not to mention, with out the support it appears I'm trying to smuggle oranges across the border. So I tried one of those sticky bra things. They support you but you supossedly can't see it. But the thing is, this dress is so thin you can even see the clear bra through it. WTF. Cllllaaassy.
Oooooh and I get to dance into the reception in this pretty little number. I'm sure no one will notice if my hands are raising the roof, that my boobs are slapping the floor. Wardrobe malfunctions aside, the dress isn't that bad. But unless your as perky as the bride, good luck looking good in it. I'm beginning to think that somewhere deep inside the twisted mind of a bride, they, without realizing it, want to make you as hideous as possible. I refuse to ever have bridesmaids. I wont do it. I wont subject someone I love to a dress they hate. Or maybe instead, I should make everyone a bridesmaid who ever made me one. Eye for an eye! Tooth for a tooth! Ugly dress and memories you wish you could bleach for an ugly dress and some memories you wish you could bleach. Revenge is sweet, but weddings are bitches.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
The Excitement of a Kiss!
I am going through this book called Q&A a day. Its a five year journal where I answer a question a day for five years. Today's question was this... Are you seeking contentment, or excitement?
What a question!
Now, I am all for excitement. As a matter of fact, my life is seriously lacking the appropriate amount of excitement needed for the perfect life. However, yesterday, I almost got in a car accident that would have sent me flying head first through the windshield of my car, and that excitement sent me strait into a panic attack. So... Excitement can be overrated. I mean... consider this. Think about the guy who is soooo excited because he's about to jump out of an airplane. He suits up, feeling all safe and secure with his little parachute, and then half way down at the climax of his excitement... he pulls the rip cord.... and nothing happens. How quickly that excitement would turn to panic. I mean, excitement is great! The excitement of a first kiss. The excitement of trying something new. But what is excitement if not coupled with contentment? What is excitement when its instead coupled with the unknown and possibly dangerous? or the extremely unpleasant. Its still exciting.... but its also horrifying. For instance...
What if your first kiss is a sloberer?
You know the one.
The one where your convinced if you don't resurface in the first few seconds, you will probably die. The one where you have to keep your eyes open just to make sure that you hadn't mistakingly started making out with a golden retriever? That excitement ends real quick, replaced with disgust. But if you are content, regardless of the talent of the kisser, then even if you drown, you die happy. Or how about when your trying sushi for the first time and unbeknownst to you, the raw fish sat out too long and will give you a rare stomach disease? That excitement turns to bowel movements and where are you without contentment? Angry and swollen. But at least, if your content, you can say to yourself, "Even though I have a stomach disease and can't stop crapping as a result of the excitement of trying sushi for the first time, I'm loosing a ton of weight and I now know I'll look great in a swimsuit next summer."
Seriously. Contentment or excitement? Is there even a question?
Speaking of kissing......
What a question!
Now, I am all for excitement. As a matter of fact, my life is seriously lacking the appropriate amount of excitement needed for the perfect life. However, yesterday, I almost got in a car accident that would have sent me flying head first through the windshield of my car, and that excitement sent me strait into a panic attack. So... Excitement can be overrated. I mean... consider this. Think about the guy who is soooo excited because he's about to jump out of an airplane. He suits up, feeling all safe and secure with his little parachute, and then half way down at the climax of his excitement... he pulls the rip cord.... and nothing happens. How quickly that excitement would turn to panic. I mean, excitement is great! The excitement of a first kiss. The excitement of trying something new. But what is excitement if not coupled with contentment? What is excitement when its instead coupled with the unknown and possibly dangerous? or the extremely unpleasant. Its still exciting.... but its also horrifying. For instance...
What if your first kiss is a sloberer?
The one where your convinced if you don't resurface in the first few seconds, you will probably die. The one where you have to keep your eyes open just to make sure that you hadn't mistakingly started making out with a golden retriever? That excitement ends real quick, replaced with disgust. But if you are content, regardless of the talent of the kisser, then even if you drown, you die happy. Or how about when your trying sushi for the first time and unbeknownst to you, the raw fish sat out too long and will give you a rare stomach disease? That excitement turns to bowel movements and where are you without contentment? Angry and swollen. But at least, if your content, you can say to yourself, "Even though I have a stomach disease and can't stop crapping as a result of the excitement of trying sushi for the first time, I'm loosing a ton of weight and I now know I'll look great in a swimsuit next summer."
Seriously. Contentment or excitement? Is there even a question?
Speaking of kissing......
Being currently single, I do miss kissing... But this makes me feel so much better about it.
In order to further my progress on my bucket list, I will be starting to make a list of one thing a day that I am grateful for.
Today, I am grateful for the fact that I have already had my first kiss and won't look like I'm eating someone's face on my wedding day. :P
Sunday, February 5, 2012
My Bucket List...
For all to see, in no particular order or appropriateness. I'm always adding to my list, and always checking off (or at least attempting too). I have recently crossed off slapping someone, Trying artichoke leaves in butter, and made a list of 100 things that make me happy. What shall be next on the list? And who wants to do them with me?!
I Am Exhausted
Which, is surprising considering I have done absolutly nothing in seven days. Seven days. Seven days of reading, and watching movies, and going through three boxes of tissue, over two bottles of cold medicine and every single negative thought I have in my brain repeating over and over and over and over again. Here are some conclusions I have reached.
Now, I'm sure once this virus has passed, I wont have such a bleak outlook on life, but at the moment, when the only thing I have eaten is cup o noodles for a week, I really miss enjoying my life. I miss real food. I miss my friends! I even miss working, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure if I went strait to hell right now it would take me a week to realize I wasn't still at work. I suppose what I miss is the money that working provides. I'm still waiting for that long lost rich uncle to leave me an inheritence. I figure it happens in movies all the time. And since movies are like real life.....
Anyway.
This brings me to conclusion #3. I'm in dire need of a new job. Its not that I despise my jobs, its about a level below that. I don't despise. I just spise. I don't like working job #1 till 11pm and then work job #2 the following morning on no sleep.
Job number 2- Is a bookstore. I work in a bookstore. And its not bad... I might even say I like it most of the time, but I truly question people who come in with this information and expect me to find the exact title they are looking for.
{Um, the cover is blue, or maybe purple. And it has something to do with opposites. Like happy and sad. or.. maybe its grumpy? or icey and hot. I don't know the authors name. a friend of a friend has it who I've never met.}
Whats the book about?
{um, opposites.}
Opposites of what? Is it a science book? Childrens book? Drama? fiction?
{um.....}
These moments to me are more painful than watching Kristin Stewart trying to act.
Today I had a customer that kept describing a book to me about loving someone forever. So I used my expertise devisive skills and I showed her the book she described, and she insisted that it was not the right book. So then I asked her to describe the story line of the book, and she did... and it was the same story I had put in front of her face. I spent ten minutes trying to "find" the right book because she insisted it wasn't correct. Then, ten minutes later, she opened the book I gave her again, read a few lines, and says.. {oh! this IS the book, afterall! yay!} Now "Yay", would have more accurately described how I would have felt at that moment had a tiny man suddenly ran up to her and punched her in her ovaries.
Yes, spooky owl, I am DEAD serious.
I'm not sleeping. I can't breath through my nose. So you'll have to forgive my crankiness. Or not, and just stop reading.
Wouldn't it be nice to do this to certain people? No? Just me?
Bucket List Item in dire need of accomplishment- Find a job I love.
Conclusion #1
and
andConclusion #2
Its funny how a couch can be your best friend and your worst enemy all at the same time. Now, I'm sure once this virus has passed, I wont have such a bleak outlook on life, but at the moment, when the only thing I have eaten is cup o noodles for a week, I really miss enjoying my life. I miss real food. I miss my friends! I even miss working, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure if I went strait to hell right now it would take me a week to realize I wasn't still at work. I suppose what I miss is the money that working provides. I'm still waiting for that long lost rich uncle to leave me an inheritence. I figure it happens in movies all the time. And since movies are like real life.....
Anyway.
This brings me to conclusion #3. I'm in dire need of a new job. Its not that I despise my jobs, its about a level below that. I don't despise. I just spise. I don't like working job #1 till 11pm and then work job #2 the following morning on no sleep.
Job number 2- Is a bookstore. I work in a bookstore. And its not bad... I might even say I like it most of the time, but I truly question people who come in with this information and expect me to find the exact title they are looking for.
{Um, the cover is blue, or maybe purple. And it has something to do with opposites. Like happy and sad. or.. maybe its grumpy? or icey and hot. I don't know the authors name. a friend of a friend has it who I've never met.}
Whats the book about?
{um, opposites.}
Opposites of what? Is it a science book? Childrens book? Drama? fiction?
{um.....}
These moments to me are more painful than watching Kristin Stewart trying to act.
Today I had a customer that kept describing a book to me about loving someone forever. So I used my expertise devisive skills and I showed her the book she described, and she insisted that it was not the right book. So then I asked her to describe the story line of the book, and she did... and it was the same story I had put in front of her face. I spent ten minutes trying to "find" the right book because she insisted it wasn't correct. Then, ten minutes later, she opened the book I gave her again, read a few lines, and says.. {oh! this IS the book, afterall! yay!} Now "Yay", would have more accurately described how I would have felt at that moment had a tiny man suddenly ran up to her and punched her in her ovaries.
I'm not sleeping. I can't breath through my nose. So you'll have to forgive my crankiness. Or not, and just stop reading.
Wouldn't it be nice to do this to certain people? No? Just me?
Bucket List Item in dire need of accomplishment- Find a job I love.
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